Gulping Down Guilt Associated with “Selfishness”
In recent weeks, I’ve been more spontaneous than I felt ever possible. I’ve defied my personal rules about falling in love after meeting the most perfect boy with the purest little heart; i’ve returned to the old and completed aspects of my life on a whim after creating an new identity 1000km away, gave myself over to the serious commitments of that old life again, and am now having to grapple with the decision of betraying those new commitments, and screw over all who have invited me back and are now counting on me, in favor of a radically spontaneous choice to run away to Europe with this brand new boy, all with next to no money in my pocket to do so, nor any way to bring me back home again afterwards; honestly, I’m not even sure what “home” will look like after this. Making the choice to throw away the golden platter of financial security, external praise, and safety I've worked so hard to earn in favor of feeling truly alive has swirled a crackling boulder of pure, sedimentary guilt. I cannot convince myself, despite my best efforts, that my decision to let down people I love and respect, who have shaped me into who I am today to follow a lovely stranger and an adventure I simply cannot afford is somehow the right thing to do. That being said, I will be following my newest lover to Europe indefinitely and quitting my jobs a month from today, and I will grip that incredible life experience for as long as I can possibly hold on, trying as hard as I can not to look down and think of everyone I screwed over in the process. Is that the right decision? If I knew, that boulder would have broken and sweltered into sand, but alas, it remains, and it is damn painful.
I can’t in good conscience tell you to be as selfish as I am, however, I am telling you, that truly, nobody else will ever care about your decisions as much as you will. That’s brutal, I know, but entirely freeing. This isn’t my first go at running away from commitments in search of or against love and personal prowess, and I know for a fact it will not be my last. If there’s one thing those experiences have taught me, it's that you can do whatever you want, and after a few weeks, nobody cares. You, and only you in control of your body and your choices, you can take them wherever you choose and commit, uncommit, and commit again to whatever your heart desires.
The world is entirely your oyster, but you won’t get the pearl until you sift through the sand.