Reality Bites (1993); The Ethicality of Using Love for Self-Fulfillment

Despite the fact that Ben Stiller’s feature film directorial debut “Reality Bites” is a realistic time capsule of the early 90s, the relationships his characters portray work as near perfect stand-ins for an all too familiar issue many young people have with love, regardless of their generation. In this film, Stiller shoves a mirror in the faces of his viewers, pushing them to look at their own relationships and dissect the self-fulfillment we so often lean into when finding love.

The film's main character Lelaina Pierce (Played by Winona Ryder) navigates a love triangle in a fairly un-romanticized way. She begins a healthy relationship with Micheal Grates (Played by Ben Stiller), despite the obvious power dynamic which leaves Pierce clearly feeling inferior, Grates is portrayed in an entirely positive light which is quite uncommon when we look at traditional love triangles. The audience becomes as easily wrapped up in this relationship as Grates seems to be and Pierce tries to be. Despite her best efforts, Pierce cannot remove herself from the slowly growing romantic feelings toward her closest friend Troy Dyer (Played by Ethan Hawke).

This triangle of a lost young woman pulled between two men, an obviously superior choice on paper vs. the one who makes her feel complete is a beyond tired trope; where “Reality Bites” gives this stereotype new life is with the way Stiller uses these empty archetypes to show us dynamics we often create in our own relationships. When we see characters like Lelaina Pierce we cannot help but input ourselves into her narrative, to grow angered with her decisions despite the fact that we know she couldn’t have ever chosen otherwise. Pierce ends up with Dyer because he makes her feel alive. With Dyer, she is not trying to be anything other than herself because she knows she will always prove superior to him in every effort. Despite the fact that Dyer holds his thoughts to the highest parameters of pretension, he knows that Pierce will always be smarter; that she has/will call him out on his wrong thoughts and decisions, Dyer relies on this dynamic to feel challenged and grounded, he needs to be listened to and she gives him that. Through the many deleted scenes including Pierce’s dysfunctional family, viewers receive a far more resolved understanding of her psyche. Pierce has existed in her family as the mothering figure; she has put herself in the position of the caregiver to appear unscathed from her family's disastrous nature. 

Piece and Dyer need each other, but this reliance does not equal love, it equals self-fulfillment. In contrast, Pierce and Grates would have never worked because she cannot be the dysfunctional one, without her superiority she has no self-worth, until she grows to understand her worth she cannot love anyone but Dyer and his unhealthy patterns, regardless of Grates’ good nature. 
Whether this is a clear-cut act of self-sabotage can be argued, however viewers cannot ignore the fact that Pierce cannot accept the good that enters her life because her fear of inferiority runs horrifically deep. Pierce’s relationship with interiority has and will continue to damage her chances at pure happiness; this is not to say that the love she has for Dyer is entirely worthless, but it does leave the viewer to question if it is morally correct to use love as a tool for self-fulfillment, even when this act is mutual.