Kicking the Imposter’s Butt
As many travelers will tell you, moving abroad doesn’t come without a leap of faith. And so leap I did. My first year working abroad, as an English teacher, I moved to Spain. As I was leaving I was met with many skeptical looks. I moved from a small town in Canada to Barcelona, mid pandemic. Yeah, I didn’t feel too much support, but it turned out to be the best decision of my life. Not only did I get to experience a rich culture, but I also got more in tune with myself than ever before.
Because I work on annual contracts, I get to move often. Now I’ve found myself in Paris, a dream come true. Never have I felt more supported by friends and family than when I announced my new destination. And why shouldn’t they support me? I proved myself capable in Spain. I had learned the language, become familiar with the culture, and met incredible people. Surely I could do it all over again in France. But…
We all have it, or gosh at least I hope we do. That little voice in the back of our heads asking “What the hell are you doing?” I heard it as I unlocked the door to my Airbnb that lay nestled in the suburbs of Paris. I heard it as I tried to buy a metro pass, not knowing even a petit amount of French. The voice stings a little when you don’t think you’re supported at all. It stings a whole lot more when your team is rallying for you and all you can hear is that self-doubt echoing louder and louder. Our doubts have a funny way of taking over sometimes and if they get too much control you end up feeling like a con-man, or woman as luck would have it.
So I sat there on my single bed, in an attic room I had rented for a month. I sat there wondering, “why?” After all the self-work I had done in Spain? All the love and support of my parents, friends, and even strangers? After all the proof in the pudding, why? Why was I on the verge of tears? Why did I feel like I wasn't actually capable of doing this at all? Why did I feel like I was swimming in a pool of doubt? And more importantly, why did I feel like I couldn’t even reach out to anyone for help?
The thing with feeling like an imposter is you’re only one if you agree to it. The way I see it is you can either agree with that voice or you can choose each day to greet it with a raised middle finger. Look, there will be days where that voice will sound like an incessant tap dripping while you’re trying so very hard to focus. But you have two options.
Turn the tap on, let the floodgates open. Dare your mind to give you its worst. See what happens when you ask for its opinion versus when it offers it up as a back seat driver. You’d be surprised at just how quiet it can get.
Turn it off. I mean full-on Face Mask/Yoga/ Smoothie yourself. We all have the self-care habits that help us in these situations. For me, it’s turning Kokomo up and dancing around. Turn the tap off by filling your cup up.
We all have those days, and again I hope it's not just me. My worries as I walk down the streets of a foreign city, with a language I don’t know, and an unfamiliar culture will still sometimes get the better of me. But I know it's what I do with that voice. It's how I agree to treat it, that will save me from feeling like a fraud. And more importantly, help me realize the beauty of the life I’ve created.