From a Former Single Girl: Dear Single People, Your Loneliness is Empowering.

Loneliness. I have always, always dreaded loneliness. Its ability to monopolize me, to magnify my steadfast insecurities as if it were a piece of artwork on display; to isolate my thoughts and to absorb my physical existence until it consumed me whole, has invariably frightened me beyond words. Thus, after my very first break up, loneliness felt inordinately overpowering, forcing me to retreat into its wayward fortress, situated comfortably in a place of vulnerability. When you break up with your partner (regardless of whether that individual was severely important to you or not), everyone mentions the aftermath of the recovery process (despite its lengthiness). They emphasize that your pain, your emptiness, would eventually disappear; then you’d be back to your normalcy, back to your ‘old self’, back to what your life was before you had attached yourself to another physical being.

Although, as a young woman with an assortment of experiences within the realm of relationships (both serious and not), I can attest to that and state that it is the contrary. The intense isolation that is shared with the settling of the dust of a ceased love affair is inevitably consuming, ever so gut-wrenching, and difficult to endure every single time.

I can recollect spending my days in solitude and reading through old text messages, searching for when everything went horribly astray. Everything was an open wound and doing what I did was like ripping off band aids, then rubbing salt against each one. I’d look at pictures of him and I together and feel myself crack like a piece of delicate porcelain, just shattering at the bare thought of my ex-partner moving on, forgetting about my previous presence in his life. These were, to save myself the extensive explanation, the very worst forms of torture to brave. I was punishing myself with memories of him because they were all that I had left to desperately cling to.

However, looking back to this severely painful chapter of life, I’ve recognized one singular thing. I wasn’t missing him, I was fearing what he had unknowingly made me avoid. I didn’t want to go back to being alone; to finding ways to fill my empty slots of time with useless acts of business; to remembering how deeply unloved I felt when I was single. To some people, being emotionally independent feels liberating, but for me it was horrifying to be alone once again. I kept wondering when I would permit those thoughts back into my mind but I knew surely that it was only a matter of time.

Therefore, it took me days, months to recoup and, as aforementioned, none of it was effortless. I had to completely restructure my perspective of my own self-worth. In a relationship, somewhere amidst the honeymoon phase, loving someone more than you ever loved yourself, and spending time with your partner and them alone, you allow their subordinate lens to fog your own outlook of who you are.

But I began telling myself that loneliness, no matter how taunting, was not going to continue to drown me. I did not have to accept the narrative that because I was alone, I had to be lonely or feel unwanted by anyone, especially not my past, present, or future partners. Not myself, either.

I began practicing subtle forms of appreciation for myself instead of wallowing. This flash of insight encouraged me to realize that the same amount of love that I could give to others, I should be able to give myself twice as much. It was an epiphany, if you will. A very necessary one at that.

I started to be more gentle and forgiving to my mind, my body, my heart. The parts of myself that I had convinced myself were unbearable, I slowly accepted. As I did this, that same crushing, paralyzing loneliness dissolved. I enjoyed my own company, I favored the nights I’d spend with myself and by myself, learning who I was again. I was growing. Nevertheless, I promised myself that going forward, preoccupied romantically or not, to perpetuate these behaviors.

So, to those of you that are single as of right now: your loneliness is empowering. Use this time to normalize admiring yourself all over again. Break ups, although they are tragic, do not have to result in a constant cycle of agony. The loss of a partner that you love(d) does not mean that you can no longer appreciate yourself or that you should stop doing so. You do not need someone else to validate your significance. You are just as free to learn yourself again, love yourself again, and to standardize treating yourself as your first priority before anyone else becomes that. Spend a night alone, treat yourself to a meal, surround yourself with companions that make you laugh, be kind to yourself. Do not dread your loneliness. Overcome it.