An Open Letter to CIS Men in the Music Scene

Dear Cisgender Men in the Music Scene,

At this point, I’m sure you’ve seen at least one post about gender discrimination, sexual assault, and coercion committed by cisgender male musicians against young women, nonbinary folx, and trans folx. As more and more stories are shared and voices are heard, it is essential that as a community we focus on creating a scene that is safe and welcome for all. As a woman musician, I hope I can shed some light on how we can start to construct such a scene.

First things first: listen to survivors. If they have made a public statement about their story, read it. Share it. Do not comment on their post or DM them to harass them, ask for further details, or accuse them of lying. They deserve respect and privacy. Do not resort to claiming they are making such statements to tear cis men down and benefit themselves. By not believing survivors, you actively perpetuate rape culture. I have seen far too many posts asking why these survivors did not speak out sooner. The answer lies in these very questions: if people do not feel that they will be supported—and furthermore, if they feel that they will be attacked—they will not speak out. Likewise, do not express anger or frustration for survivors who do not accept the apologies of their abusers. It is not up to you to tell them to “get over it.” In order to make the music scene safer for all, we must create safe spaces for survivors to speak out. We must listen and learn. We must not blame and accuse, or such stories will never be shared and we will fail to make positive change.

Additionally, it is important to remember that sexual assault is a product of the cis male privilege dominating the music scene, not the cause of it. All facets of gender discrimination must be attacked in order to achieve true gender equity in the music scene. Such discrimination exists everywhere from music store interactions, to the way cis male fans interact with women, trans, and nonbinary fans at shows. While some of the following examples of gender discrimination seem minor, they enable a larger patriarchal power structure to continue. It is this greater structure which facilitates sexual assault and coercion by continuously portraying women, nonbinary folx, and trans folx as “Others” and objects.

Patronizing comments from cis male musicians are common microaggressions to be aware of. If a woman, nonbinary person, or trans person does not ask for your help carrying or setting up gear or playing a song, do not assume we need it. Such assumptions reinforce the idea that we are weak, inferior, and incapable. If we ask for help, feel free to offer it, but please do not tell me that I’m using the “wrong” gear, technique, etc. If I ask for your feedback, provide it. Do not preemptively mansplain to me everything you think I am doing “wrong.” Do not assume that women, trans folx, and nonbinary folx have less knowledge about gear, performing, etc. than you. If you find yourself making this assumption about someone, question why you believe that you know more than them and see yourself as better than them. As a woman musician, I have had Guitar Center employees follow me around to monitor me as if I am a child, when I am in fact a nineteen-year-old woman. I have been in stores with boys much younger than myself who do not receive this treatment. At Norm’s Rare Guitars, one employee reprimanded my mother for stepping out of the store since she couldn’t leave her “child” unattended. I was eighteen, and having played guitar for over a decade, I can assure you I know how to properly handle instruments. I know numerous women and nonbinary and trans folx who will practice just to go into a guitar store knowing that any mistake they make will be attributed to their gender, rather than mere human error. This is unacceptable. The next time you are in a music store, pay attention to this phenomenon. Consider standing up for these women, trans, and nonbinary folx.

In addition to not talking down to women, trans, and nonbinary musicians, please do not objectify us. Do not fetishize the fact that we play music. We are not here to be your manic pixie dream girl. We are here to make music, just like you. I used to play in a band in which the original lead guitarist was kicked out because of a personal conflict with another band member. When I asked about my security in the band, I was told that I made the band look good because I’m a girl. If you only want a woman, trans person, or nonbinary person in your project for sex appeal, to avoid backlash, or because you think it’s trendy, you need to re-evaluate your motives. This is tokenism and objectification. We are talented musicians who deserve to be viewed as equals.

It is imperative that women, trans folx, and nonbinary folx are invited as equals into projects due to recognition of our talents and overall who we are. It’s no surprise at this point that cis men hold immense privilege in the music scene. Use that privilege to bring visibility to people who otherwise would not receive that opportunity. If your automatic response to this is that there aren’t any talented women, trans, and nonbinary musicians, re-evaluate that thought. It is most likely clouded by stereotypes of weakness and inferiority that in fact are far from reality.

Lastly, it is necessary to discuss fan interactions that occur in a live music setting since this environment accounts for the majority of current survivors’ stories. If you see a woman, trans person, or nonbinary person who is uncomfortable in verbal or physical interaction, please intervene. Such an intervention should not be physical, perhaps just joining the conversation to offer a source of security. If possible, ask the woman, trans person, or nonbinary person if they are comfortable, and if there is anything you can do to help. If they reply that there is not, do not get unnecessarily involved. While many current circulating encounters involved an underage individual, remember that a person does not have to be underage in order for their experience to qualify as sexual assault or harassment.

The men who exhibit the behaviors described above might be your friends. You might even have reflected on your own actions and found some similarities. The most important thing I can emphasize is the importance of accountability. If you are afraid to speak up to your friends when they fetishize or objectify a woman, trans, or nonbinary musician or person in general, you are actively perpetuating rape culture. If your automatic defense is that you and/or your friends have never assaulted anyone, remember that that is the absolute bare minimum. Have you ever perceived a musician who wasn’t a cis man as inferior or weak? Have you ever talked down to her/them/him or made judgments about her/their/his ability and talent? Have you ever viewed an encounter of sexual assault or coercion and chosen not to intervene in order to preserve your own privilege? Remember that a cis man apologizing for his behavior does not mean it will change. I have heard too many cis men justify returning to supporting certain artists and their friends because they apologized to their victims. If the recipient of that apology does not actually change their behavior, their apology is null.

The last thing I have to leave you with is two-fold. First, hold cis men accountable for all their actions, no matter how seemingly mild. Every comment rooted in rape culture matters. Call your friends out. Reflect on your own beliefs and values. Even if you and your friends aren’t guilty of assault, do you fetishize and patronize women, nonbinary, and trans musicians? Do you allow harassment at shows for fear of your own image? Do you accept cis men’s apologies even if they aren’t matched by a change in action? Do you tell jokes and make comments rooted in rape culture and believe that it’s ok because you would “never” act on those beliefs? Do you view women, trans, and gender nonbinary musicians and fans as tools and objects to promote yourself while failing to uplift these artists and fans? All of these behaviors contribute to rape culture in the music scene and elsewhere which allow sexual assault, harassment, and coercion.

Secondly, check your own privilege. It exists. There is no reason to feel guilty over cis male privilege--and especially white cis male privilege-- in and of itself. Rather, consider ways you can use your privilege constructively. Invite women, trans, and nonbinary artists to collaborate on projects. Host shows (once it is safe to do so considering COVID) to highlight women, nonbinary, and trans artists. Use your platform to uplift those around you who are subject to discrimination. It is only then that we can start constructing a gender-equitable music scene.