I Shouldn’t Feel Awful for Embracing My Sexual Confidence. Quite Frankly, No One Should.

Don’t be too promiscuous. Or self-assured. Initiate just a bit of poise but, nevertheless, encourage yourself to be irresistibly wild. People liked “wild” women, and I desired nothing more but to be wholly, unquestionably liked. These thoughts, these feelings, constantly orbit through my abysmal mind,

wandering aimlessly as I engage within something that should be guilt-free and pleasurable for me, especially at this point in my adult life: sex.

After I surpassed the threshold of innocent intimacy, of interlocking fingers and gentle lips pressed against abrasive cheeks, I realized that I wanted to be memorialized in the minds of my sexual partners. I wanted to be remembered for not just a great orgasm but for amazing, life-changing intercourse. But, in whatever way possible, I was microaggressively chastised for it, primarily by the men I chose to share that experience with. And, quite fucking frankly, I shouldn’t have had to feel awful about wanting that for myself. I shouldn’t feel awful for embracing my sexual confidence. No woman should have to.

But I did. And it exteriorized itself within the worst ways possible. At times when I wanted to be nothing but sexually bold, I was shot down, and I always felt dainty, passive, subservient, and accommodating. I was too sexual, too forthright, too excited. I needed to be fearless and I tried senselessly. But I also needed to be complacent enough for the men that did not want to not only feel dominance but steal and acquire it from me. And I let it happen because, as aforementioned, I preferred to be likable than to be a disappointment. But beneath those harrowing expectations, there was an even more dispicable requirement that was embedded in every meaningful (or meaningless) act of sex that I participated in. There’s this notion that women must take control. It’s considerably “hot” when we do. But doing that labeled me as “too sexual” and I didn’t quite grasp why.

Why was I penalized for enjoying sex if that was what I was supposed to do? Sex should be an equitable partnership, both in its enjoyable and emotional natures. But I felt both responsible and guilty. There are boundaries to our sexual independence and tenacity, so we are expected to abide by those restraints. And I think that is an absolute load of entire bullshit. I remember after I had sex for the first time. Despite it being amateur, terrible, and short-lived, I revered a part of it because I felt self-assured in myself. Every motion of my hips, perfect-timing of the parting of my lips, and the careful guidance of the positions I had never tried before made me realize how capable I was of giving pleasure to others and myself simultaneously. It was great. But then, suddenly, it wasn’t so great. Going forward, my ex-boyfriend (but current boyfriend at the time) berated me senselessly about how sexually needy I was and how I always, always wanted to have sex. Because of that, I started to believe that wanting sex was wrong. I felt that way for a long, long

time.

However, wanting sex, especially as a woman, should not be demonized. Although I still struggle with finding and keeping my sexual confidence, I have recognized that women are dehumanized for both wanting sex and not wanting sex in society, and it makes it impossible to enjoy the purity within the act itself. The best part of being a woman, particularly a sexually active woman, is asserting your identity and morals through your self-esteem. But the difficult prospect to consider is how people will react to that, that is what ultimately damages what we’ve built for ourselves and within ourselves. Conversely, to the women that are struggling to overcome this incessant judgment: keep wanting sex; keep feeling good about having sex; continue to have sex as passionately and as frequently as you please. Your opinion is the only opinion that stores weight. Don’t allow anyone to shift that perspective, even ever so slightly. Embrace yourself, embrace your body, and embrace your fucking sexual confidence.